Formal complaint: finding the way to hope
Unless you’ve experienced it firsthand, true pain is incomprehensible.
Sure, everyone understands unhappiness, possibly even misery. But until you’ve been through a heartbreaking loss and later recovery, you won’t be able to talk about your pain knowingly.
Some may disagree. I could have myself as an over-educated medical student equating knowledge with wisdom. But no matter how many patients I saw suffer and die, it did not prepare me for the despair, the agony, the loneliness of personally enduring it.
What is pain?
Above all, it is a feeling: the feeling that your breath has been taken away; that your body is a meaningless shell; that you have lost all reason to live. Pain is an endless void; a world full of emptiness. You feel betrayed by previous joys, by life, by God; your heart is dead with no hope of recovery.
The five stages of grief are well known: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. In my twenties as a family physician, I have witnessed most people “quickly get through” the first three stages relatively unscathed. Some become addicted to anger and choose to live their years enraged against God and the world.
But where most people get stuck is depression. The fear that you will never be the same again becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
One mistake people make is to believe that they are grieving for another person, when, in fact, they are grieving for themselves. Certainly if you have lost a loved one, perhaps a child, you feel very bad about the pain you have experienced. But what breaks your heart is losing a part of yourself. You imagine your life in a way, when suddenly, it has changed and there is nothing you can do to reverse the process. The loss of your hopes, your dreams, your planned future is what really has a profound impact. And with the loss of yourself, cut off others who could help. Guilt and guilt become your daily companions.
Americans really don’t know how to cry. Perhaps as a nation we have been too blessed. We hope people “get over it” by praising them when they do. People rush back to work, putting smiles on their faces when they are dying inside. Medication is suggested when others are uncomfortable with your despair.
But each of us is responsible for overcoming our own pain. Fortunately, a seed of hope is all you need to get started.
Pain causes the human spirit to rebel with indignation, and for good reason. Much of what we experience in life is unfair. Job criticized God when his torment became unbearable, and God understood it, just as much as a parent understands and forgives a child’s tirade.
So the first step to recovery is to let go of the pain, in waves, gasping, crying. Tell God that you are angry. Show him that your heart is bleeding.
Then when you are too tired to continue, allow your soul and spirit to rest. Sleep heals the mind and body, and is more important than maintaining a good appearance.
But be careful: the pain will repeat itself, the cycle will repeat itself. A good cry is not enough to eliminate the anguish.
It may take a week, it may take a month, but look for the day that something, anything, catches your eye. It can be fleeting, so write it down. Take it as a sign of healing, a little seed of hope. Pay attention when this happens and feed the feeling. Water your hope like a living flower.
When you glimpse the world outside yourself, you are looking down the road to recovery. As soon as a small part of you has healed, share that part with someone else. You will not lose it by giving it away, it will make it stronger.
Enjoy what makes your heart sing. That’s the real you, not the crippled spirit that has been struggling to breathe. Find the child inside and allow yourself to play. Keep in mind that, just as a person should make it a priority to allow the body to heal after surgery, they should make it a priority to heal after their spirit has been injured.
Look at the process from outside of yourself. Try to see that although your spirit is wounded, your soul is intact. Although some people benefit from an antidepressant, the traditional cure for pain is grief. So get to work and cry well. God is watching you and He still cares about you.
Copyright 2010 Cynthia Koelker MD.