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Never let go: how to hold on to hope when you’re in mourning

Does everything seem hopeless? No future? Do you have nowhere to turn for the help you really need deep down? Is there anything that can make a difference in how you feel? Despite the image and meaning you have right now when you see the word hope, trust the following: it is a sure way out of your emptiness and despair. You simply need to turn it on.

Hope is often seen as a wildfire, a factor that is often talked about but hardly practical in dealing with life’s various problems. This belief is generated by the fact that hope is poorly understood and seems to work best when you don’t realize that it is behind your positive behavior.

So what can you do to create hope, keep it alive, and use it to cope with your great loss? Consider the following.

1. Begin the process of building and maintaining hope, never forgetting the following advice from William James, the eminent psychologist, professor, and author: “The best weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another.” Paste your quote where you will see it often. What you think is the cornerstone of hope.

2. Hope is first and always an option. We all forget that thoughts are extremely powerful in the way they affect the mind and body. Make the decision right now to choose a hopeful thought. Here it is: I am beginning the process of going through the darkest night of my soul. You don’t have to know how at this point, just that you intend to move through it. Keep telling yourself that you will win.

3. You can start building hope right now by looking for connections. There is not a psychiatrist alive today who does not tell you how important it is to find connections in your life, especially in this time of loss. Do your best to be with the most loving people you know; they are full of hope. Go to them if they cannot come to you. His very presence will be a hidden source of hope that, on an unconscious level, will help you immensely.

4. Hope is about possibilities. No matter what the nature of your great loss is, there are always possibilities for dealing with it and sources to turn to for the necessary information. You can discover many possibilities by finding a quiet place and writing them down as you examine the alternatives. You’ll find even more if you do the same with a best friend, counselor, or clergyman. The possibilities are always there; finding them is the work of pain. And it is fueled by hope. Keep doing a general search.

5. You will also find hope in one of the least suspicious places: a grief support group. It takes courage to go to a support group. Once there, you meet others with similar struggles. Your hope level increases when you see them confront their pain and win. You will feel palpable hope emerge when, after four or five meetings, members begin to ask if anyone in the group wants to come to dinner after the meeting. A bond has formed and hope is the hidden motivator.

6. An infinite source of hope is another connection: your knowledge and belief in a power greater than yourself. You can call this your Higher Power, God, Allah, the Almighty, the Absolute, the Great Spirit, or the Universal Source. Regardless of how you view this Power, it is an eternal connection to hope. It is there for you to turn and ask for wisdom and strength, even if you have been negligent in your commitments.

This Power is always with you, in the darkest nights, and especially if your spiritual progress has been slow. It can also manifest itself in a vision, a sense of divine presence, or an Extraordinary Experience involving your deceased loved one.

Hope takes practice if it is to pay off in times of great need. So you need to take action and reach out to connect whenever you feel hopelessness creeping into your life, especially in this difficult time of loss. And then bring the search for hope back to where it started. Review each day how you are progressing in loving, serving, being kind, and strengthening connections with your social network. All of these will instill hope in your life as you cope with your loss.

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