“Nails of the soul …”
“Soul Nails …”
– I’m fat – short – shy – ‘weird’ – little dyslexic “kido” and I don’t leave myself free and spontaneous to enjoy my new bike or whatever, because I feel the “judging” eyes of my friends and neighbors. I am , 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
Usually I smile trying to hide my embarrassment.
– Until I finished school I felt ashamed many times.
– Sometimes when my family didn’t have enough money to send me to the best tutorials, sometimes when I didn’t have the money to buy Nike Air Jordan shoes like all the other kids had, sometimes when I was passing school. winters with only 2 or 3 tracksuits and if I neglected and ripped them my mother would put a stamp on it to hide the rip.
– Somehow this is how my kido and adolescence years passed, and perhaps due to those circumstances I became a shy person, and someone who felt that, MUST always BE THE ONE who makes jokes in the company of people.
– Be the funny man / woman, looking and “ASKING” to be accepted, AFRAID OF SHOWING ΜΥ REAL CHARACTER. And to tell you the truth, most of the time I felt sorry for myself, knowing deep down inside that this is not the healthiest thing you can do to your personality.
– But I found something opposite to the behavior of the early days of depression.
– It was an inner “fire” that I have felt all my life “telling” me something in secret, ALL MY LIFE.
– That “something” made me feel optimistic about my life and my future, the gentlemen who returned home, after the funny show I was giving to satisfy my friend’s “appetite”.
– That burning “fire” in my stomach whispered to me, that when I decide to cut the postponements, the funny and stupid attitude, when I make the decision of MAXIMUM ATTACK, I could do everything in my life.
– For many years that thought made me feel safe and UNSAFE at the same time. My parents worked for the country in their agencies and paid for the country. So they never “swam” in uncharted waters and doing something out of the ordinary was a “strange” situation for them. My brothers and sisters the same. My relatives the same.
– My children and family friends, the same. Yes, the few times I tried to tell them my point of view, I received laughter and ridicule from them … and I never discussed such matters with them.
NEVER MORE.
– I was alone.
Me and my dreams … and my FEARS.
– Fears NOT as you read in the books and the thousand articles of psychology, which tell you that they have the true and only solution, to face your fears (and perhaps sell you something “magical”) … but something else.
– The PRIMITIVE FEARS of being alone against everyone, the fear that YOU and ONLY YOU SHOULD DO THE “WORK”, without the help of anyone. This fear and the fear of FAILURE can break your spirit, like a small branch, FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
– I can assure you that when you feel this kind of emotion for the first time, you will never forget it for the rest of your life.
– I’m not so ready to go to finish the university that I want and my environment agrees on that (!), I never left my small town to go to the big city with the big block of flats and the city so smart. -people. It would be like the “fly in the milk”.
– I don’t know anyone who helps me find a job, so I can finish my studies – an athlete career – an entrepreneur career, or whatever. I should find a job at the newspaper, something I’ve never done before in my life. It feels so strange at first to act away from the safety of my home, but I must resist.
– What happens if I fail?
-FULLY and COMPLETELY?
– I could never deal with the laughter and humiliation around me. If I am forced to give up my dreams once and for all, because of the criticism of society, I know that I will die for it, inch by inch every day.
– I know that my soul will never recover and I will be another human who died in his sleep for “unknown cause”.
– “Broken” heart is not an official cause of death.
– What if this FAILURE caused the opportunity not to create my own family?
– What if this PERSONAL FAILURE causes the destruction of my existing family?
– How will I live the rest of my life, knowing that I have not tried enough and that if I had lost, I had lost?
– On the list I would have known my limits, which I could live with.
– A PINE …
those “soul nails” of your human existence, REPLACE them with RAW determination and “inhuman” work (yes, the “common” SWEAT, BLOOD and TEARS) and at the end of the “game”,
we will see who WILL WIN …