Advantages of global warming

Marya Mannes once wrote: “The land we abuse and the living things we kill will ultimately take their revenge; because by exploiting their presence we are diminishing our future.” Obviously, Ms. Mannes preferred the status quo: health, sanity, logic, blah blah blah. Why? Green House Roulette is much more intriguing.

In the country, the climate affects everything. For five years, western South Dakota has been affected by drought. The water and the hay are fading. Farms and ranches are flying. As the government rescues the victims of the Florida hurricanes and says, ‘South Dawho?’ Our livestock are dust mites that urinate. Fortunately, things are looking up.

There is some good news! Those pesky glaciers are finally melting! Last fall, an eight-nation report estimated that an area of ​​the Arctic ice sheet the size of Texas and Kansas has disappeared. For those with geographic problems, that is an area larger than a box of bread.

At first, the news of devastating global climate change may seem a bit upsetting. Then I read an article in the LA Times and changed my mind. The article began with the usual sadness. The Greenland ice sheet is melting. Our coasts will be flooded by rising sea water. Inuit hunters fall through thinning ice. Melting glaciers change the ocean’s temperature and salinity and distort the jet stream, resulting in altered weather patterns around the world. Multitudes of species are disappearing. . . It was disheartening.

Then I came to the final paragraph of the article. Bam! My faith was restored. Here the Times pointed out the benefits of global warming. Seriously, the article actually ended by saying: “The report is not entirely bleak. A warmer Arctic could increase the numbers of some species, such as Arctic trout, a fish. It could extend the growing season of wheat in Canada and open now … treacherous sea lanes, such as the Northwest Passage and the North Sea Route, which parallels Russia, for navigation and resource exploration. “

Three cheers for the LA Times! It’s true! Not everything is sad. With that glorious bit of sunshine pumping straight into my ski bibs, I was able to see things in a whole new light. I started thinking about other benefits of global warming. You will soon agree that people from all walks of life will benefit.

For starters, Inuit hunters will benefit! Once the Inuit have nothing left to hunt, they won’t need to risk falling through thin ice. Plus, needing food, they’ll be ready for a floating Arctic Super Wal-Mart (pontoons, not ice). “Go get them, Sam.”

Boat owners will benefit! Not only will there be smooth sailing through the previously annoying ice of the Northwest Passage, but each summer, cruises will be able to take tourists straight down Bourbon Street in New Orleans.

Divers will benefit! There will be no more cuts of coral burning. In fact, there will be no more coral. Once all the reefs are gone, divers can put away first aid kits and dive right in. A little bit of slime never cut anyone.

Canadian wheat farmers will benefit! You see, there is a 10% decrease in corn yield from Midwest crops for every degree of global warming. Don’t worry though, now wheat can replace corn. Think of all those delicious wheat dogs at the ball game. How about buttered popped wheat at the movies or steamed wheat on the cob? Everyone yells ‘delicious’ at me.

While it’s a bit ironic that ethanol is made from corn crops that global warming devastates, I’m sure some aspiring chemist will be up to the challenge of developing ‘Wheatanol’. Imagine that the wheat farmers of Canuck have more influence than the Saudi royal family.

Dune-Buggy enthusiasts will benefit! The Dakotas will soon reopen for your 4-wheel drive pleasure. Join the Mount Rushmore Nose Climb on July 4th! It will be quite a challenge!

Ecotourism operators will benefit! Companies could offer new “Wasting Tour Packages”. Tourists get closer photos of polar bears and whales when they are too lethargic from starvation to wander away. Also, long walks to Inuit villages can be avoided once they are forced to beg on the streets of Nome (or cashiers at Wal-Mart).

Finally, the next generation of Bush family politicians will benefit! Again, they can avoid tackling campaign issues, this time by distracting dehydrated voters with clever campaign phrases like; “No to the Kyoto Pact, no to the ice pack”, or “Dead seals never move”, even promising “No charcoal burners left behind”. Not to mention the offering of new tax credits with SPF 80.

Well, geez, I feel better! Shall we spin the roulette wheel a little more?