How to communicate when things have gone wrong

Relationships are not always easy. They are your ultimate non-refundable ticket to personal development and enlightenment. When relationships have been under stress for some time, communication will inevitably suffer. Just as we can use the way we communicate to bring each other down, we can also consciously use it to get the relationship back on track.

The secret is NOT in the words.

Remember that communication is not just what you say with your words. In fact, only the minority of what we are transmitting is in the words. Research has found that more than half of what we communicate comes through our body language, more than a third through the tonality we use, and only 7% is in the words. Even if you’re not saying a word, your stern gaze, arms crossed in front of your chest, and pursed lips speak with conviction. Remember the general message you are sending.

Communication is a tool, not a weapon

Therefore, communication can be used as a weapon to belittle, criticize, judge, ridicule or manipulate someone. Once you have received such treatment, you will know the effect it can have on your emotional, mental and physical state.

However, there is a choice, the choice to use your communication as a tool. It is normal to feel emotions that are unpleasant and thoughts are fueled by these emotions. Your responsibility is to be aware of these and not allow them to spill over into your relationship without careful use. There is nothing wrong with feeling what you are feeling, for example anger and frustration, but it is not acceptable to act in an aggressive way that hurts other people’s feelings or physically harms them.

assume the responsibility

When taking responsibility, you may need to get help from someone, talk to a counselor, therapist, coach, friend or co-worker and see what options or advice they can offer you. In couple conflicts, it should be clear that it is not helpful to necessarily expect to have all the answers within your partner. In heated situations, it is recommended that you request an independent mediator to step in and help you resolve your story.

John Gottman, a relationship expert, says there’s a big difference between happy and unhappy couples in the way they bring up a touchy subject. Here are some suggestions on how to communicate when things have gone wrong:

1. Don’t store things, mention them when they happen

2. Complain but do not blame

3. Make statements that start with ‘I’ instead of ‘You’

4. Describe what is happening instead of evaluating and judging

5. Be clear, courteous, and appreciative.