Where did the shy girl go? overcome social anxiety

What are synchronicities for?

Synchronicities are a clear sensation that the universe is speaking to us. The more we go into our KNOWING, the more we will notice the synchronicities. We are in constant contact with the intelligence of the universe, we are co-creating our reality, and synchronicities are a symptom or result of recognizing this. As I remember who I really am, I can begin to recognize synchronicities as nodes of my creator. They are me remembering that I am one with everything.

One of my most difficult life lessons was one that I couldn’t see, feel, or witness until I was light years away from her.

I was recently talking to my daughter who had been struggling with her day to day life. Her husband had been traveling a lot during the month of February, which she believed was causing her a sense of isolation. Being the sole caregiver for 2 young children 24/7 can be difficult and a bit isolating. This conversation reminded me that my understanding of this isolation was all too familiar. I was trying to convey to him the mistakes I felt I had made when faced with a similar scenario, which, as usual, led me to a story. (I always have a story). I was explaining that somewhere in the many years that her father had traveled, during which time I was the only parent for weeks, I had lost myself. He had lost my identity as a woman, a wife, and a social being. I became very shy in social settings; I no longer understood the rules or the joy of social interactions. The crazy part is that I was F*I*N*E at work, able to interact with others in powerful ways, but outside of work and/or my family unit, I was literally terrified of social interactions. Today, when I remember the oppressive feelings of my isolation, it seems so strange. But during that time it was as real to me as the dead of night.

So I told him a story about what I feel was a turning point for me. Her father and I had decided to go out to dinner at a Costa Rican restaurant in Chicago. He had found out recently and asked me if I would like to go. This was VERY unusual for us. Long before this we had stopped dating and never went to “City” together. At this point in my life, my social anxiety was over the top. It had nothing to do with the people in the world, it had everything to do with the demons in my head. The voices told me that I was too fat, too ugly, too old, too stupid, not wearing the right clothes, and so on. I struggled to hear myself think a different thought. That night, after what turned out to be a nice dinner, he suggested we walk down the street to a corner bar. Again, this was EXTREMELY unusual for us. Our relationship had failed long before and we had been moving through the motions out of dedication to our little family. This fact had me on edge that night but hopeful about our departure. As we walked towards the bar, I could feel my anxiety rising. I just didn’t know how I was going to get into that crowded and noisy bar. It was one of those places that have windows open to the street to make it look like Al Fresco when the weather is nice. It was a beautiful spring afternoon and the windows were open and the laughter and noise of the people could be heard a few blocks away. When we arrived, we pushed our way through the crowd and made our way to the bar. The feeling of panic inside me was overwhelming to say the least. I had never shared with my husband my growing inability to be in social settings, but that night I couldn’t hold back another second. I lost my outer coldness and began to cry. You see no one knew what had been going on in my head. No one had any idea that I had been suffering with these crippling feelings of inadequacy. My outward appearance to everyone had been one of strength and power. Now I was crying and begging to leave that bar and go home. My then-husband was angry, hurt, and utterly disappointed in my behavior. She had no words to try to help him see what had just happened. I knew that he had lost me somewhere along the way and that no matter how angry he was or how much he wanted to be the old me, he just didn’t know how to do it.

Why did I tell my daughter that story? I think she was telling him, because she wanted her to know that talking about feelings of isolation is very important. That continuing to do the things you love when your husband is in town is very important, remembering to find joy, laughter and happiness with your husband and children is very important, but also to find it with others and most importantly to find joy within. And to never forget who you really are.

Synchronicity: Just 2 days after telling that story to my daughter, that restaurant was named again in a completely different way. She was sitting with a colleague and out of nowhere she mentions a Costa Rican restaurant in Chicago that her sister goes to. The same restaurant from my story! I had never been back to that restaurant, hadn’t thought about that restaurant in years and now, days from now, it is the forefront of my life experiences. I understood this coincidence as a wink from the universe that it was time to write another article. Someone else needed to hear my story.

It is my deepest hope that this article will reach the eyes and ears of someone suffering today, someone who feels lost, separated and isolated. Not knowing where to turn. I promise you there is hope, there is a way out of the darkness, there is a world full of welcoming experiences and joy, waiting for you and most importantly, it is just a thought away. During my meditation today I heard these words as I had never heard them before.

“In this new experience we continue forever, there is no friction to prevent our glorious extension and we continue forever with God, our love extends forever… -Gary Renard, An Original Form of True Prayer (5 minute meditation).

In my new experience, I have let go of the friction of doubt and self-condemnation that impedes me, to embrace my glorious extension towards God and Love.

The person who broke down in tears at the corner bar no longer exists. She’s been gone a long time. Where she went? How did I overcome the debilitating mental and physical phenomenon of Social Anxiety? I did it by remembering who I really am. I pushed my self-limiting, self-imposed limits; I did things that terrified me and then laughed like a schoolgirl after doing them, even if it was a disaster. I found programs and seminars that supported my growth, I did really scary things like learning to ride a motorcycle and taking dance classes where I had to touch strangers. Then I finally released the last strands of the ropes that had tied me when I discovered the frequencies of Reconnective Healing. The demons that had plagued my every thought have been quieted and slowly replaced by the knowledge of my perfection and magnificence. Now I stand boldly from the top of the mountain and shout to the world that I know, that I know, that I KNOW, that I am a spark of God, created in his likeness, a being of perfection and magnificence clothed in the beauty of LOVE. I am what I am.