I want to take my time to search for my soul a bit after the adventure, but I feel pressured

I sometimes hear from husbands and wives (as well as from the faithful spouse and the unfaithful spouse) who are being criticized for their decision to take time out for an examination of conscience after one of the spouses has cheated or had an affair. .

An example of an unfaithful husband goes something like: “After my wife found out that I was having an affair, she wanted to immediately go to therapy and save our marriage. She demanded that I stop seeing the other person and commit to a complete lifestyle change I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do with my life or our marriage I asked her for time to think about what she really wanted from my marriage and my life She did not react well to this request. She said that if I loved her and valued our marriage, she wouldn’t need time to make a decision. Am I out of place in asking for this time? I just want to move slowly so that whatever choice I make is the right one. “

Here is an example of a wife in the opposite situation: “My husband admitted to having an affair because he wanted to tell me himself instead of me finding out from someone else. He told me that he would do whatever I needed to restore my confidence. and to save our marriage. I really wanted to believe you, but it hurts a lot. I don’t think healing is an easy or quick process. And I’ve told you that I’m going to need something. Time to think a bit and do some soul-searching before I can give him an answer about our marriage. But he doesn’t seem willing to accept this. He wants my forgiveness and my commitment right away. Am I wrong to want to take my time and process this? “

Actually, I advocate soul searching for both scenarios. Emotions are high and confusion is common on the part of both parties. In general, decisions that are made too quickly or that are based on strong and immediate emotions after an affair can turn into unfortunate or unhealthy decisions. But if you take your time and allow your decision-making process to change and adjust as you learn more and begin to heal, then you can be more confident that you have made a healthy and appropriate decision. I understand that spouses and family members tend to be impatient and critical when it is clear that you are taking your time before making a decision, but sometimes, you have to do what is best for you rather than what else. person thinks it is the best. thing for them.

How to handle it when your spouse or family tries to rush you when you want the time to do a soul search: Many people feel pressured when they hear criticism about their time frame. Try to tell yourself that you must do the right thing for yourself, and by doing so, you increase your chances of a healthy outcome. Frankly, accepting something that you are not comfortable with increases the chances that your marriage will suffer because you are not really sure of your decision. So if you feel some pressure from your spouse about your soul search, you might say something like, “I know you’re frustrated and impatient, but taking this time for myself is something that worries me a lot. My time for make sure the decisions or actions are the right ones. My emotions and doubts are increasing right now and if I make a hasty decision I’m afraid I might make the wrong one. I need time to process what is happening and really listen to what I am thinking and feeling. I am also aware that my feelings and desires may change throughout this process, so I do not want to rush things. I ask that you respect my need for time because I believe that going at my own pace will make the The result is one that we are both much happier with. If I were to go ahead and make a decision based on pressure, there would be resentment and doubt, which is not good for either of us. Pete my request for time because you love me and want the best for me and my marriage. “

Most spouses and family members who really want the best for you will eventually catch up and stop pushing. I firmly believe that a slow pace and an examination of conscience is best anytime you have questions or concerns. Often the best answers and resolutions come when you give yourself time to process and determine what it is that you really want. In short, it is never a waste of time to take all the time you need.