Using our relationship for personal growth
Relationships are a key element in most people’s lives. As John Donne said so movingly at the end of the 16th century: “No man is an island.” These words are still valid today. However, until now, most people have not learned how to have successful relationships and still feel complete about themselves. Relationships are challenging because they involve two different people with different needs, wants, and opinions. When the needs and desires of individuals do not match, there are often disagreements, disappointments, and disillusionments. It is during these times that we question our relationships and wonder if we would be better off alone. So what can be done to create a more satisfying relationship?
With conscious intention and effort, we can use our relationships to heal and transform our lives. This new paradigm or relationship model consists of three steps: 1) assuming responsibility for our actions and reactions; 2) deeply experiencing our feelings; and 3) expressing ourselves clearly and honestly to our partner while having the same empathy for our partner’s feelings. When we learn to do this, our relationships can reach a deeper level of understanding and become a vehicle for our personal growth and fulfillment.
The first step in the new paradigm, taking responsibility for our actions and reactions, can be an unfamiliar and sometimes frightening experience. It involves seeing how we are contributing to or creating the upsetting situation, rather than automatically blaming our partner for the misunderstanding. When we are able to drop our defenses and accept responsibility, both parties breathe a sigh of relief and the door is opened to honest communication. For many people, the risk of taking responsibility for their actions and reactions is the hardest part of working on relationships. Men may feel that they are losing power or abdicating their throne. Women may feel that they are giving up or that they are weak and submissive. In both cases, it usually feels like some kind of loss, either of personal power or of a part of ourselves. Although difficult at first, this step can lead to a much greater understanding of our reactive patterns of behavior and can accelerate our personal growth dramatically.
The second step in this model is to deeply experience our feelings. This step consists of stepping back from the immediate situation and taking a deep breath to reflect on what is happening within us. We may be aware of certain bodily sensations, such as tightness in the throat, chest, or stomach area. Emotions such as sadness, pain, or anger may arise. Thoughts or memories can enter our consciousness. Learning to focus internally will take practice since many of us have spent very little time focusing on ourselves and how we really feel. As with all steps in this new paradigm, we must be patient with ourselves and appreciate each small step we take.
Feeling deeply can also be challenging because our present feelings are often influenced by what happened in our past. For example, if we’ve had a relationship in the past that left us feeling criticized or unpleasant, chances are our new relationship will bring up those feelings as well. Love tends to bring to the surface any past wounds that need to be healed. This is one of the reasons why the new relationship paradigm is so powerful. Instead of blindly repeating old ways of being, we can use our relationships to work on ourselves, to notice the patterns of thought and behavior that we continually relive and begin to explore them within the safety of the relationship. The key is to take the time to step away from the situation and feel what is really going on inside. This gives us time to reflect calmly so that we can act rather than react.
The third step in this new model is to express ourselves clearly and honestly to our partner while having the same empathy or appreciation for our partner’s feelings. This step consists of telling our partner the truth about how we feel. It is important to avoid the tendency to fall back into old relationship patterns, such as making our partner wrong, going numb, acting out drama based on old wounds, or getting into power struggles. To communicate clearly we need to move beyond blame and judgment and tell the truth about our experience. We need to make the decision that being happy in our relationship is more important than being right. The only way to do this is to be totally honest with ourselves and with our partner.
Equally important in this third step is to have empathy for our partner’s feelings. This includes allowing our partner the opportunity to express how they feel and then making an honest attempt to understand them. In other words, we need to put ourselves in their shoes and experience what they are feeling. This type of exchange is the beginning of authentic communication and the birth of a whole new type of relationship. Both parties will begin to feel empowered and loved. As a couple reaches greater depths of feeling and understanding, their strength grows in all areas of their lives.
Practicing the three steps of the new paradigm—taking responsibility for our actions and reactions, deeply experiencing our feelings, and fully expressing ourselves—will result in a tremendous change in our relationships, both with our partner and with the world. Our communication will be clearer and more honest, we will gain greater respect for ourselves and others, and we will experience a greater sense of personal power, love, and joy in our lives.
Copyright © 2001 by Relationship Specialists, Inc. All rights reserved.